back again and I am a little bit upset... seen the symphony for yorkshire? hearing it is okay in places, captures the modern yorkshire as well as some of its traditional sounds but the bloody video is a complete and utter travesty!!! makes no sense in places, doesnt depict my home town in any positive way and totally ignores what sheffield has given. yes it is about yorkshire but here in sheffield we have a lot to be proud of and none of that was portrayed in the video. i hope to never see that video again!!!

It has been a long time since i was here! not that i have an ectic lifestyle or anything. nor is it that i have little or nothing to rant and rave about, its just that life been what it is and me been somat of awkward so 'n so i havn't got round to this. things have happened, life has moved in SOME sort of direction and i suppose there is scope to write about it... BUT I JUST BLOODY CANNOT GET MY HEAD TO FIND THE MEMORIES OR THE RIGHT FUCKIN' WORDS TO ASSOCIATE WITH SAID MEMORIES WHEN I CAN RECALL THEM. I will try to sort my head out and co-ordination of hands and brain willing i will put something here sooner rather than later...

i am missing my kids!!!

this is an obvious statement, but behind it is a lot of pain and a deep desire to be with them. my daughter is having some trouble with the current carer and not only am i not able to do anything to help her, i am not allowed to be involved in any help for her! yet she wants her dad (ME) to help her and make it all okay.

life is a big pile of shit and i haven't got a snorkel long enough to allow me to breathe and get my thoughts sorted out.

it's late (or early depending on your point of view) and i cannot calm down, get into that relaxed, chilled, eventually sleepy mood and yet tomorrow i've got a busy day!!! my girlfriend cannot lift a fucking box, (it's man's work!) yet i have athritus (sorry 4 the spelling) and a spinal injury amongst other things and i had to move it!!! I AM NOT HAPPY!!!!!!!

below i have managed to import a short piece of writing i cobbled together that tries to explain what lacking sleeps is like. it sort of describes it but doesnt!




I see the moon…

Again it’s late, too fucking late for any normal person to be awake. My nightly vigil creeps round the clock face slowly. I will endure the coming challenge alone, the usual ritual of have something to eat, usually inappropriate and unhealthy, but as there’s no one about it doesn’t count. Not having fags doesn’t help; I can sense the monotony, the metronomic passage of time shouts loud and regular. Late night telly is only for the retarded, drunk or stoned, not me I wanna throw something at the screen, the blond bimbo banging on about how easy it is to win some cash makes me hate women; nice tits though… I try making some cards but the flow isn’t there, I struggle with millimetres and straight lines so I give up before I erupt. Turn the telly off with a viscous prod of my finger; wish I hadn’t done it that hard I hurt my finger which only heightens my anger. Through the curtains silvery grey light seeps, a ghostly glow that raises some animal instinct to look out. With lights off and curtains opened fully the cool light of the moon floods over me, with primeval curiosity I look up at the moon, full its borrowed shine with fuzzy halo promising an early morning frost, the deep black mono night is shown for what it really is, dark clouds scurrying, blooming and ripping apart, hurried along by high altitude winds constantly changing their pattern on the not so dark sky. Pricks of light, stars that have give direction to travellers forever and the winking red and green of high flying aircraft, imagination makes these out to be U.F.O’s but I know they ain’t. My body relaxes to this rhythm of clouds covering and then showing the moon and stars. In me the beast is tamed, yes its four o’ fucking clock in the morning, yes I am alert and wide awake but the moon sees into me and soothes away the worry…

today has sunk to a low i hoped to never encounter. i have been told by a member of the post office counter staff to fuck off!!! yes me who supports local post offices, have spent the majority of my forty years believing in the 'post office'. i started like a lot of my generation having a savings account at my grandads local post office. each week my mum or grandad would put a small amount into this account, for years each saturday morning i went across the road to do this and the staff there got to know me and my brothers by name. also we would buy a selection of sweets stored in jars behind another counter in that post office. yes we live in the 21st century and business is business, the post office has to move with the times or die out, but local post offices offering more than just stamps is part of the british way of life! we should keep local post offices,BUT ONLY IF THE STAFF STICK TO SIMPLE RULES LIKE NOT SWEARING AT MEMBERS OF THE PUBLIC. yes i have made a formal complaint but how can i continue using a service were basic customer service values are not even used?.

anyway back to the comment i started last night but because of poor ergonomics on the part of my computer i caught the power button with my leg and the thing evaporated into nothing!!!

my mate like me is an unsociable bugger, he like me can go for weeks without contact and it doesn't bother him. i live round the corner from him and still only see him intermitently (we are best mates) and yet he, like me, is on facebook!!!. social networking sites do they actually work? or is it that through a monitor and down a wire is the only way i wish to communicate with the outside world? i hope not..

all the horror of having vista as an operating system is not coming true!!!
does this mean we shouldn't take for granted what we are told but use the brains we claim to have and find out for ouselves? dont ask me i'm mentally ill and believe in conspiracy theories (a little like Dale of King of the hill fame).

saw my kids this weekend, i don't think its wrong to say they are in care at the moment. they've grown a lot since we last saw them, not only physically have they matured but their personalities have grown too. the oldest a girl is scarily mature, understands the stories on soaps, knows about her situation in care and as sort of decided for herself about who cares for her. the younger two both boys haven't changed as much physically, but emotionally they are both different people!!!

admitted it to myself this weekend, i write short stories. they are fictional accounts based on real stuff from my past what i observe (people watching) and what i undersatnd of this world. a few years back a little book was published, a sheffield based support group for dads (FATHER FIGURES) helped me edit and string together some stories i had wrote about been a father (thank you Ben, Peter (chopper) and all the others) this inspired me to keep writing. i now attend a workshop with an average hack called simon crump (sorry simon, you ain't that bad!)and as i say i've expanded my themes a little. anyway to stop the blathering i have admitted i would like to be published again one day but more important to me is that one day my kids or grandkid find the folder with my writings in it and understand me a little better through reading them...

at the top of here i have added a you tube gadget. please look for the muppets and their version of Bohemian rhapsody, it is the most brilliant cover of a song i have ever seen ( maybe its because i relate animal) but i am a forty year old who grew up with the muppets and have not found anything that is as good as the early muppets...

KERMIT FOR KING!!!

got my new pc today, well yesterday its turned 2 am and i cannot sleep as usual!!!!

had some concerns about getting this PC as it runs Vista, but surprize surprize it aint had one hitch yet other than it keeps trying tell me what is best for me!!! I KNOW BEST!!!

as for the last few days since i last posted; well old age is creeping up on me, last week i got ready to go into town. showered, cleaned my teeth, put on some clothes, sorted the money out etc, etc... my girlfriend then informed me on the doorstep as i was about to lock the door that carpet slippers, though comfy are not really suitable for a trip into the city centre!!WHOOPS


anyway i started a page on facebook as well today, don't know why I aint that sociable in the real world

a start

here i go with my first blog! been using the internet and a computer for about a decade now. a decision was reached to become a blogger, can't tell you why, can't even think of 'owt decent to put on it yet. maybe i should start with its title

I suffer with mental illness, i can manage it normally with tablets and therapy, what i can't manage is the lack of consideration... no thats the wrong word, it'll do until i find a better one a lack of consideration in public! i don' use a wheelchair, nor a white stick or guide dog but panic attacks (which doesnt do justice to what happens)and a desire to hide at home never wanting to leave the house is invisible (my favourite response to a panic attack was been called a layabout drunk!).
this causes a great deal of frustration and at times anger (at myself and others)which only makes it worse. i try not to inconvenience people with my illness but at times a little sympathy and some space to work it through is all i need! you try explaining that in less than a minute when the world stars spinning and the monsters appear. no, just a tut of disapproval and quiet nasty comments at a level meant to be just heard and a look in their eyes of fear(?)